Paying proper attention to your children -- reading their moods,
encouraging their growth, reaffirming your unconditional love for them -- is
the best way to address their behavior problems. You'll be a better and
saner parent for it.
Does your child have a behavioral problem, or does he just need attention?
How do you know if your child's misbehavior should be met with
punishment or counseling? In this article, Ron Huxley, author of Love &
Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting, gives us questions to ask
ourselves that will help evaluate our child's behavior patterns.
Diagnostic Questions
Diagnostic questions are parenting tools that assist parents in determining
what the motives are behind their child's behavior. Children's misbehavior
can be motivated by the need for attention, power, revenge, or because of
discouragement. Most of children's misbehavior is due to the need for
attention.
Attention in and of itself is not bad, but most children seek it
inappropriately. They bug their parents when they are on the phone,
interrupt conversations, and whine to get their parent's attention. When
they don't feel they have succeeded in getting their parent's attention, they
will get mad and power struggle with their parent. If that does not succeed
then children will seek revenge.
They will follow the old adage: "Don't get mad, get even." Because they feel
hurt, they will hurt others. If that does not get them what they feel they need
from their parents, they will move to the last motive for misbehavior --
discouragement. They will adopt the attitude, "Why bother?" "Nothing I do
makes any difference so why should I care." At this point, children have
given up hope. Parents can determine their child's motive for misbehavior
by asking themselves three diagnostic questions:
What happens when I try to correct this problem with my child?
Parents can determine the answer to this question by recognizing their own
feelings. Parents usually feel annoyed or irritated when children are
seeking attention. Anger is a common emotion for motives of power. Feeling
rejected or hurt is typical for revenge motivations. And feeling like giving
up (on themselves and their children) is typical of discouragement
motivations.
What happens when I try to correct this problem with my child?
When children are seeking attention, parents will remind or coax the child
to stop their annoying actions. Children respond to this by stopping
momentarily and then starting up again, with the same behaviors or some
new, equally irritating behavior. Power seeking children defy the parent's
attempts to correct the child's behavior. Children continue to act in the
same manner and may even "up" the intensity of the struggle.
Revenge seeking children counterattack parent's attempts at correction.
They view every action as being "out to get them" or mistreat them in some
way. And so they seek further revenge by intensifying the behaviors or
choosing some new weapon.
Finally, when children feel totally defeated, they will become discouraged.
They act disabled or inadequate to perform any task, such as their chores or
school work. Parent's attempts at correction usually end up with passive
responses on the child's part or they receive no reaction at all. "What does
it matter if I don't do as you say, I can't please you anyway," "Why go to
school, I'm too stupid anyway," or "Why should I get a try out for the team, I'll
just embarrass myself or they won't want me to play!" are some of the
mistaken beliefs of the child.
Diagnosing Children's Misbehavior
By Ron Huxley, LMFT
What action do I need to help my child ask for what he/she needs in
an appropriate rather than inappropriate manner?
This diagnostic question recognizes that children are not aware of
their motivations for misbehavior. It also recognizes that all
misbehavior, even attention-getting, stems from discouragement.
Children lack the courage to behave in positive, constructive ways.
They are simply trying to figure out where they belong in their family.
And when their attempts to feel significant are not met with positive
responses, they become even more discouraged and try a new or
more intense misbehavior.
What motive they choose may also depend on their interpretation of
the situation. But why they choose a particular motive is not as
important as understanding what parents can do to modify their
child's misbehavior so that they can get what they feel they need in
an appropriate rather than inappropriate manner.
For example, if a child is seeking attention inappropriately, what
action can a parent do that would provide appropriate attention to the
child? Or if a child is seeking power, what can make them feel
powerful without them having to power struggle? Or if a child is using
revenge how can a parent not return hurt for hurt or reinforce a
child's forgiving behavior to turn this motive around? And finally, if a
child is feeling discouraged, what can a parent do to encourage the
efforts, however small they may be, of the child?
About the author: Ron Huxley is a child and family therapist, father of
four, and the author of the book Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in
Parenting. He is the founder of the http://parentingtoolbox.com and
http://angertoolbox.com web sites. Get more information on him and
his online consultation or speaking information at his personal web
site at www.RonHuxley.com today. Join his free newsletter or get free
parenting reports at http://parentingtoolbox.com/join.html.